“I’d Painted—Again”
Although this painting depicts a well-known scene, it is deeply personal to me. From Sarah J Maas’s popular book A Court of Mist and Fury (2nd in her A Court of Thorns and Roses series), this painting depicts the scene where the serie’s heroine rediscovers her love for art.
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(prints available for sale)
What drew me into Maas’s story was how well she wrote chapter one of A Court of Thorns and Roses from the perspective of an artist. The imagery the story’s heroine and narrator, Feyre, uses to bring the reader into the world perfectly paints the scene. “The snow fell and fell, dancing and curling like sparkling spindrifts, the white fresh and clean against the brown and gray of the world… Once it had been second nature to savor the contrast of new grass against dark, tilled soil, or an amethyst brooch nestled in folds of emerald silk; once I’d dreamed and breathed and thought in color and light and shape. Sometimes I would even indulge in envisioning a day when… it was only me… with enough money to buy some paint, and enough time to put those colors and shapes down on paper or canvas or the cottage walls” (SJM. A Court of Thorns and Roses, Chapter 1). I cried when I read this for the first time.
At the point in my life when I opened this book, I had just quit my job to stay home with my son. It was January 2024, and I was contemplating my New Year’s Resolutions deeply considering I no longer had a career. What I came up with was this;
“Lean into the things I enjoy unashamedly” (for me, that’s reading fantasy!), and “Become reacquainted with art”.
Throughout my adolescent life, my status quo in school was “artist”, and I took pride in the label. I was an artist until I wasn’t. Until I encountered a near-death experience, suffered survivor’s guilt, and felt the desperate need to be useful in my life. To help bring a drastic change into a broken world. I pursued my passion for providing a voice for those who have none by studying Special Education and becoming a Special Education teacher. It wrecked me. 5 years of trying to save students from unloving homes, their own self-loathing, and the systemic injustices of public education. I’ve had parents and students tell me that I did make a difference in their lives, and that is worth the wreckage the work caused my mind and spirit. But, I left realizing there was nothing I could do to actually change the system. I was working day and night with my hands tied and a million obstacles in front of me, as all teachers do (especially post-COVID). Then, the school shooting at Uvalde happened. Then, one of my own students threatened my pregnant belly. Then, I gave birth to my son. Then, I shifted to private school, seeking a safer workspace. Then, my son was abused in his daycare. My hands were tied—I couldn’t change the world. But then, I opened my journal from my second year of teaching, and this is what it said;
“Where are the places I have for so long shut to anyone?
Immediately I think of my artist side—I continue to hide her from myself.
What would happen if I let her out?
Yikes.
It may trip up my journey to change the world. But, maybe that’s a good thing.
What if the people who change the world really are the artists?
Surely not, but maybe”.
This is an 11”x14” gouache painting on watercolor paper. In the scene depicted in this painting, Feyre, after a closed book and 44 chapters, finally allows herself to create art. She says, “I’d painted—Again”. In a dramatically romantic scene of self-discovery and healing, Feyre paints a shooting star with the fallen stardust onto the hand of her beloved. As a girl who was inspired by Feyre’s journey from her depressive desperation to save others while silently suffering survivor’s guilt, to her acceptance of her self-worth and contributions to her broken world, I felt immensely proud to paint this scene and say I,too, had painted—Again.
